Wednesday, January 6, 2010

my new year's resolution is... to write more?

Uhhh so it's been about a month! I am slacking.

Actually, I don't know if I'm slacking so much as I'm just busy and scatter-brained, but either way, I have not done a good job of keeping up with this, so I apologize. I've also been ridiculously bad at returning emails, cleaning my room, and keeping my phone charged. And my car battery functioning.

I have some marginally important things to say, but right now the only thing I can think about is how relaxed and happy I am today. I am on a business trip to Niles, Michigan, and let me tell you, I was not too excited about this trip. My superior at work dangled the possibility of Thailand in March in front of my antsy little nose (that's not a real phrase but it seems very accurate right now)... Thailand! in March! (aka the worst month of the year when I think my bones have totally frozen up right inside my body) It'd be so hot there! And also I'd work hard! But that was ripped away and replaced by a trip to a little town I've driven by approximately 6,457 times in my life. I swear I don't like my job only for the travel opportunities. But my little soul likes to go places and see things and engage with different cultures (and sometimes get frustrated at them - I'm not a saint, here - but generally I love it). So anyway, I was like, whatever, this is dumb. Not really, because my job allows me to learn things and be challenged and go to the doctor for only $20. But those were just my emotions at the time.

But then I got here today and I was expecting to stay in some sort of Econo Lodge or something... but no, we are staying in a legit lodge. Like we drove down this windy path in the country, and at the bottom of the hill, by the river, was this gorgeous, huge home that looks like it belongs in the English countryside (or what I imagine the English countryside to be based off many viewings of "The Holiday"). And we all have separate rooms (the for-profit world is really blowing my mind), and I'm currently sitting in the best bed I've ever sat in. Tonight, my co-workers and I sat in this beautiful great room and one of them played the piano, and we sat and talked and looked out this big window at the trees covered in snow, and a fairy (slash the woman who works here) heard someone say they were hungry, so she brought a plate of warm cookies. What? Am I being paid to do this today? I do not understand jobs. Some days I feel like I work so hard and deal with such annoying crap, and I think, I am not paid enough! And then some days I sit by a fire reading a good (non-work-related) book and drinking hot chocolate and I'm like, umm I'm robbing you people blind!

Anyway, tomorrow we have an all-day meeting, and I will need to focus by that time, so my boss isn't like, "LAUREN. We are not paying you to stare out the window and day-dream about going snowshoeing and baking cookies." But for real, I do not think I will actually need to be prompted because hopefully I will just be a minutes-taking champion on my own strength. Also I should not sit in a chair facing the windows because good glory, this place is a beautiful.

Anyway, the reason this has been so amazing is that I was feeling very blah about life. LIke the kind of blah where I try to think of how things might be better, and then I just get tired and depressed so I stop, and then I'm just back to being blah. January always makes me feel crazy and depressed and cold, and there's nothing to look forward to, and SAD kicks in, and I just felt like I had nothing going for myself and no direction. And I know that's not true, but sometimes it's just hard to see past your own insecurities. And when people say "Oh just look at the positive things in your life!" - I just don't think that helps. Because I'm a girl and I'm emotional and sometimes if one thing is going poorly then by default, everything is going poorly. But today, I just felt like God was telling me to take joy in life. Not in things (ie my job's going well, I have good health, etc...) but just... life. And yes, maybe part of my joy today is artificial happiness over fireplaces, and gorgeous Christmas trees that have yet to be taken down, and cute little rooms that are so CUTE. But I feel a greater sense of peace and joy, where God was like, get excited for your life because I want to make it exciting! Don't just try to be content with things that you don't love, but either get excited for your life or make changes where you see fit! (I don't think God is actually speaking to me like He's a life coach or something, but this is just the basic sentiment of what I feel). And I think sometimes if I have one area of life that I'm particularly upset about, I think to myself, well crap if I'm already so far behind in XYZ, it's going to take forever until I'm content with who I am. But today I got the sense of God saying, are you kidding?? If you start from zero everytime you think you messed up, or something's not right, then you'll just always be stuck in a state of frustration and isolation.

And maybe none of this makes sense to you (b/c honestly, I'm just rambling and not re-reading), but if it doesn't, just lie and say it does. And could I start any more sentences with "And" or "But"?

So! I don't know what any of that has to do with running, but I just wanted to share it and it's my blog so there it is. Speaking of running, it is going well! I bought new running shoes! So we'll see how those work out. I have high hopes. Also, I wanted to run yesterday morning, but didn't have time to go to the gym before work. And I was like, ehhhhhhh it's freezing. But then, I knew I had to run. So I braved the cold and did 3 whole miles because that's all my frozen body could take. Someday when I raise my family (on the equator, preferably), I'll tell my children stories about how they should be in awe of me because I used to run in subzero temperatures. And they won't even be able to comprehend what I'm saying because they'll have lived on the eqautor their whole lives, and I'll be like, "yeah life is happier here" but secretly I'll resent them for not understanding the pain of midwestern winters.

OK - it's time to end this post because I'm just saying things.

Thanks for still reading despite my long hiatus!

I promise next time will be less me-centric and more Kenya-centric! I have a fantastic post from Andrew, who recently returned to the US from an internship in Kakamega, and has recently moved to Chicago! And he went to the University of Michigan, so all Michiganders should get excited about that. Stay tuned!!

2 comments:

  1. You made me smile this morning.

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  2. You are so crazy! So, the thing about reading your posts is this; because I have had the pleasure of knowing you for about a year now, (or 9 months - or whatever), I know exactly how your personality is - and it shines through in each of your posts. I'm happy that you have started a blog! Yeah, I've tried to commit to writing once a week, but life is busy and things do get pushed to the side - so honestly, I don't know how people write several times a week. In addition, I think I also skipped the entire month of December following Thanksgiving. I think the readers will understand. (?) Also, I am very impressed that so many of my friends jog/run. I will live vicariously through you on that note.

    Work. Yeah, so thanks for sharing your scene from Thomas Kincade. I'm not very familiar with this type of work practice. Especially coming from a place where 3 staff members stayed in an economy hotel room - 2 on beds, and one on a cot! Yeah, you know which job I am referring to. So, on that note - keep writing and running.

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