Monday, May 24, 2010

don't worry. this entry does not contain anything about bieber.

ok this post is going to be melancholy and moody and introspective, and i'm going to blame it on the fact that LOST ended last night and was... just... so, so bad (yes, that is a legit excuse for feeling blue, and yes, i am considering giving up tv because these kinds of reactions cannot be healthy). it was like taking an awesome, really fun road trip, only to realize your final destination is gary, indiana. was it worth it? yes. am i disappointed? obviously. why am i still thinking about this. MOVING ON.

stay with me, non-LOST people. i have faded to black and i'm now going to talk about my actual life.

anyway, i guess i should talk about running. it is not going well. i have neglected to write because i don't want to have to admit how poorly my training is going, but i have been realizing that writing is really important to me - and there is a great sense of release and freedom that i only feel from writing - and i need to just get my thoughts out there anyway, as disappointing as it may be. my running sucks, LOST sucks, my room is a mess, my car is a mess, my job is stressful, and i eat clif bars for the majority of my meals because i'm too tired to grocery shop like a normal human being. i can't get it together, but neither can the LOST producers, so i guess we all just need Jesus (was that the intended theme of the finale? no. yes. i don't know. who cares? i promised to stop talking about LOST. i'm sorry. it's a sickness... or you could say, an infection. ahhhhhhhh i'm done. for real)

so yeah, my running has been off. i've been sick this spring. sinus infection, cold, stomach flu, general exhaustion, foot problems, not eating well, not sleeping enough, two trips to the doctor in two months (TWO!). so, i thought of just being like, well, i'm going to run this freaking marathon in june. i may completely hate myself the whole time i'm doing it, because i'm not prepared, but at least i will have done it and attained my goal. it's all about doing things and attaining things. finish classes, finish college, get a job, get a promotion, get a new job. but then, what happens when you're just... there. you're just at a place. i'm just at a job and i don't know for how long and how do i embrace life and my call to serve God when i'm just in a place that's frustrating? when i'm not doing things? does it matter if i run if i can't say "oh yeah, i finished that marathon. now i'm training for another one. i'm doing things. i'm training for things. i have accomplishments that i can rattle off to show that i am a good steward of my time and energy because look at my concrete accomplishments." (if you can't already tell, i'm also having some inner emotional issue-y things with my job, my career goals, my philosophy of work, etc etc my brain never stops spazzing)

so yeah, i wanted to run the marathon because, come on, i told people i would and i'm trying to raise money, and who wants to support some flake who's like, "ehhh i've been sick cough cough cough so i'm going to just do it a little later...." i know i'm not actually a flake (well, not always, i hope), but it's just a thing. in my mind, taking time off = i'm lazy. that's just the way i think. maybe that's not the healthiest viewpoint, but that's a psychological issue for another day, another blog post. so, after being realistic about my limitations (thank you, my job, for humbling me to this point. and yes, that is sarcastic), i realized, no, lauren. just... no. you cannot do this right now. you've been tired and sick and too busy and unable to prioritize your life to give yourself the time (and rest) needed to train properly, so just don't try. my body told me this. and also, my mom :) the motherly wisdom is painful to listen to, but it's good and it's true. but it's so painful. i'm 23. why can't i just frickin' do things? why do i have to be like, ok young girl - you do not have the energy for all of this! so, all of that to say... i'm postponing the marathon a couple of months. i'm still going to do one, but i had to be realistic about the fact that i just wasn't ready. i do not like that. but i'm going to roll with it.

as amazing as this year has been - in so many ways - it has also been limiting, mostly in terms of my body and my job. limiting. that's the best word i can use, i guess. like, my job has been so hard for me, at times, and the thing that used to always just be mine - and place where i was free and happy and totally full - was going on a nice after-work run. but then that just got so much harder, because i would be too tired from work, too sick, too busy, or something else... and it was hard.

so i hope this doesn't sound complainy. my writing also sounds depressing, but if you could see me now, you would see the joy that i get out of releasing these words out into cyberspace. really, i love life right now. so much. i feel more confident and content than i have... maybe ever. and i have someone who not only accepts but LOVES all this weird crap about me, and i'm just like, what? but, ok. i'll take it. who does that? i don't care. i love it.

but i am also an emotional girl and a young person trying to figure out childhood + college + random experiences + getting ready for the rest of my life + ideals that i want to stick with me + ideals that i've realized are not important = what? i have all these things and i'm trying to add them up to be something i understand, and i just don't always understand. why do i need to understand? because i've been trained to synthesize everything i've learned into a 15-page paper? maybe.

so, this entry is coming from a place of just... figuring out life. and realizing that i am - in no way - in control. i can love things and be passionate about things and embrace things - but God's ways are higher than my ways. i always thought that was so obvious, but obvious in a way that i could still grasp. like, ohhh i wanted to go to clown college but God wanted me to go to circus college and now that i'm at circus college, i'm like, ohhh awesome! i get it! thanks, God, for making sure i only got into this one college, which i thought was a curse but is really a huge blessing!

but. that is not how i feel. things are not easily understood, like that. i feel like i try to figure out my ways and God is like, oh gosh, just stop trying. just live faithfully and don't worry about running a marathon when YOU want to or having a perfect job. and what are His ways? they are higher. so much higher. i can't even keep thinking about how much He is in control because it will make my brain hurt and also everyone will stop reading. my ways are low (not as low as the LOST producers', though. just kidding. nope - i'm not. i'm still bitter).

so what am i even talking about? i don't know. every post ends with me feeling a small sense of release - but i also have just rambled for so long that who even knows what i'm talking about anymore. but, for some reason, i always feel a little more like me. because in writing, it's just me and God (and google), and it brings me to a place of better understanding my place. so, yay. that is good.

so, thank you for reading. that is all (for now).

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